the guitarist conundrum.
When there's 10 billion guitarists in the world, how do you stand out?
If you're a female? You have better odds. 90% (seemingly) of guitarists are male, so you've already got an audience. Men like watching girls play guitar. Youtube proves this to an embarrassing degree.
But if you're a dude? How do you appeal to and get the attention of 90% dudes?
Well, .... seemingly 50% - 60% of guitarists are self proclaimed Blues players. So playing blues is going to be hard to get noticed.
Being an outstanding player isn't really enough to get noticed.
Having some good songs isn't enough to get noticed.
Surprisingly,....speed seems to get attention. But it's not really gratifying attention. Though it's a good gimmick and way to get people to look a little bit longer then usual. But you'd better have more up your sleeve then speed, because that gets old fast. Better have some melody too.
Being a 'Character' seems to get attention. Most people know (or seem to know) who Phil X is. Partly I think because his personality is completely spazzy and over the top.
Your 'gear' can get attention, if you use some oddball stuff, (like Jack White) but still, you'd better have some decent songs to try and hold onto that attention.
You can wear costumes and have a big stage act/production to get attention, sometimes this can even hide the fact that your songs aren't that great. Because people are more interested in 'the show.'
It's a tricky thing to get peoples attention, and hold that attention. So while not being a fan I give Lady Gaga credit for figuring out what to do to get the attention and keep the attention, and cash in while she's got it.
There's a lot of really talented people out there that will never get that big break either because they don't have a gimmick, have the wrong gimmick, or are in the wrong place at the wrong time. Plus, honestly...luck seems to have a lot to do with it.
Or even worse, that thing that you can't name and put a finger on, but some musicians are just disagreeable and there's something about them that puts people off.
Yngwie (while managing to be quite successful) is kind of an example of this. Most people really, really, really don't like the guy. But usually can't explain why.
The music industry, the world, and people in general have changed so much in the past say,...20 years. It's really hard to see where to go from here.
The internet kind of leveled the playing field, but then again by leveling the playing field it's introduced a ton of 'competition' in that every brother and kid with a webcam is an internet rock star these days.
Plus people are just so jaded and unimpressed by anything these days, it's rather hard to shake them out of their malaise. Even when you're literally forcing them to sit down and listen to some amazing new band you've found. The attention span seems so short that if it doesn't immediately grab them in the first 5-10 seconds,...they're already tuning it out and starting to play Angry Birds on their ipod.
It's like trying to forge a career through a minefield where even 'the fans' are out to get you.
So I give Lady Gaga mad respect.
I give even more respect to someone like Amy Winehouse who not only was talented and a good songwriter. But was actually brave enough to say, "F**k it." and completely do her own thing.
I never heard anyone sound like her,...before her. (admittedly there's some 40's and 50's singers that sounded like that, ... but I mean lately.)
Of course now that she's dead, you better believe I see some ghouls rushing in to try and fill that void.
Imitators though,..........not innovators.
*-all numbers and figures were totally pulled out of my arse.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
People are getting kind of spoiled with music don't ya think?
Was thinking of this the other night because I bought the Mastodon cd called Crack the Skye and found myself listening to the first song on it over and over. Analyzing it and picking it apart. And of course really enjoying it as well. The odd Alice in Chains/Frogs sounding bridge, the crazy 6/8 rhythm that the verse and pre-chorus are in (and seriously, let me tell you that's not an easy riff to pick. To play? yes. To play properly in 6/8? no.)
So I was out in the alley looking at the stars and listening to it with headphones on, and I started thinking, "Man I've totally got my $10. out of this cd just with the first song, which I've now heard like 20 times. It's a great song, well written, well played, well sung and arranged. What's $10? Dinner from the Hong Kong Cafe down the street?"
It's not like I could eat that dinner 20 times for $10. and learn something in the process.
Then I started thinking about all the people who I've heard in the past 10 years say, "I wont buy a cd. Pay money just to get one or two good songs and a bunch of 'not so great' songs? Nope, I'll just buy the single."
And I realized people are missing out. I mean whatever works for them.....whatever. But me? I'd rather own the actual cd, with the artwork, and have a tangible piece of property.
Even if every other song on that Mastodon cd sucked (which they definitely don't) then I'd still have gotten my $10. out of them.
I'm starting to think it's unrealistic to buy a cd and expect every song on it to be awesome and amazing. That's demanding a hell of a lot out of an artist/musician. Pretty unreasonable actually.
I bet lots of people think, "man, if I could write just one really great song, I'd be happy."
Isn't that what we all want? To write a great 'Sitting on the Dock of the Bay' or a 'Stand by Me'? A great song that hopefully will outlive us? I mean,....I hope I do. I don't think I've ever written a great song, but I keep trying to.
I think some cd's like Tools 'undertow' or Alice in Chains 'Dirt' or Metallicas 'Master of Puppets' are almost flukes, where 9/10 songs on it are really great songs.
Because pretty much every cd I own has at least one or two 'ok' songs on it. Not bad, but not awesome either.
Anyway, I guess the point of all this late night rambling is it dawned on me that if I can get 2-3 really great songs out of a cd, then I feel like I got my moneys worth out of it.
People pay like $70. for a video game these days, $10. for a movie ticket that'll entertain you for 90 minutes, or $10. for dinner or 2 sandwiches from Subway. So I think $10 for a cd that might only have a couple great songs on it is pretty acceptable, because you're probably going to listen to those couple songs a whole bunch of times.
Especially nowadays where you can use YouTube as a sampler. If there's a band you're interested in, listen to them on YouTube. If you find you keep going back and playing the same song for awhile,....buy the cd and not the single.
I'm very sad to see cd's disappearing because I think owning the actual cd and not an mp3 is a hell of a lot cooler right?
It's nice to point at a stack of cd's and say, "that's my music collection!" Instead of pointing at an ipod or your cell phone and saying, "that's my music collection."
Matter of fact,....that's actually kind of lame.
Give me back the days where people had a crate of albums in their basement and when they played the record through some nice big speakers it actually sounded like there was a band in the room!
(But that's another subject, lol.)
So I was out in the alley looking at the stars and listening to it with headphones on, and I started thinking, "Man I've totally got my $10. out of this cd just with the first song, which I've now heard like 20 times. It's a great song, well written, well played, well sung and arranged. What's $10? Dinner from the Hong Kong Cafe down the street?"
It's not like I could eat that dinner 20 times for $10. and learn something in the process.
Then I started thinking about all the people who I've heard in the past 10 years say, "I wont buy a cd. Pay money just to get one or two good songs and a bunch of 'not so great' songs? Nope, I'll just buy the single."
And I realized people are missing out. I mean whatever works for them.....whatever. But me? I'd rather own the actual cd, with the artwork, and have a tangible piece of property.
Even if every other song on that Mastodon cd sucked (which they definitely don't) then I'd still have gotten my $10. out of them.
I'm starting to think it's unrealistic to buy a cd and expect every song on it to be awesome and amazing. That's demanding a hell of a lot out of an artist/musician. Pretty unreasonable actually.
I bet lots of people think, "man, if I could write just one really great song, I'd be happy."
Isn't that what we all want? To write a great 'Sitting on the Dock of the Bay' or a 'Stand by Me'? A great song that hopefully will outlive us? I mean,....I hope I do. I don't think I've ever written a great song, but I keep trying to.
I think some cd's like Tools 'undertow' or Alice in Chains 'Dirt' or Metallicas 'Master of Puppets' are almost flukes, where 9/10 songs on it are really great songs.
Because pretty much every cd I own has at least one or two 'ok' songs on it. Not bad, but not awesome either.
Anyway, I guess the point of all this late night rambling is it dawned on me that if I can get 2-3 really great songs out of a cd, then I feel like I got my moneys worth out of it.
People pay like $70. for a video game these days, $10. for a movie ticket that'll entertain you for 90 minutes, or $10. for dinner or 2 sandwiches from Subway. So I think $10 for a cd that might only have a couple great songs on it is pretty acceptable, because you're probably going to listen to those couple songs a whole bunch of times.
Especially nowadays where you can use YouTube as a sampler. If there's a band you're interested in, listen to them on YouTube. If you find you keep going back and playing the same song for awhile,....buy the cd and not the single.
I'm very sad to see cd's disappearing because I think owning the actual cd and not an mp3 is a hell of a lot cooler right?
It's nice to point at a stack of cd's and say, "that's my music collection!" Instead of pointing at an ipod or your cell phone and saying, "that's my music collection."
Matter of fact,....that's actually kind of lame.
Give me back the days where people had a crate of albums in their basement and when they played the record through some nice big speakers it actually sounded like there was a band in the room!
(But that's another subject, lol.)
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Something Beautiful
It's really strange to me that people close themselves off to new music. This is towards no one in particular.
But I really spend a lot of time looking for new music, in every genre. Today I've been listening to Sarah Chang and solo violin music. I really like metal, and all it's sub-genres. Same for rock, classic rock, blues, country, jazz, etc.
I just really love music, and am a massive fan of the electric guitar. I'll listen to Buddy Holly, then Johnny Cash, Then Necrophagist, then Sarah Chang, and it doesn't seem odd to me, it's all just music.
Humans live a complicated and complex range of emotions, and there's plenty of music that reflects those emotions, from full throated raging "Just wanna break sh*t!" types of music, to somber music that's so powerful and full of angst you almost want to cry listening to it (like some really good violin music can do.)
I just don't understand expressions like, "that's 'your' music, and this is 'my' music." I'm not saying anyone is wrong to say such things, just that I don't understand it.
When I was a kid and Metallica was still underground, I loved them and still do. I also liked Lnyrd Skynrd and Creedence Clearwater Revival and Zeppelin and Sabbath.
As a teen I got into early Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, TooL, etc. "grunge/alternative" music.
In my late 20's early 30's I got more into death metal and sci-fi metal, as well as some country and some jazz.
I just can't understand not wanting to grow and expand as a musician or even as a music listener. I don't understand not constantly seeking out new music to listen to.
I guess "grunge" would be considered 'my' music, since I was a teenager when it came out. But I can't imagine spending the rest of my life listening to just that when there's so much other good music that needs listening to. Pretty much all music through the entire course of human history has had some incredible musicians worth listening to from Bach and Mozart up to and including Tosin Abasi or that kid down the street playing a cool melody I hear drifting through my window.
It's all just music, you either love music or you don't right? As soon as you start labeling and boxing it in, you're really just hurting yourself.
You're not hurting the music, it doesn't care what you think. But you might be depriving yourself of some really cool music.
Or at the very, very least. Depriving yourself of hearing something that inspires you to do something new and different with the music that you write.
You never know where inspiration will come from. As an artist you've got to constantly feed yourself new things to digest and dissect.
The first time I heard Animals as Leaders, I thought it was pretty crazy, out of time stuff. And I didn't care for the guitar tone.
The second time I listened to it, I noticed he was using some really unusual chords and note choices for his melodies.
The third time I listened to it I realized the guy is a virtuoso.
The fourth time I listened to it I noticed I tended to think of outer space and sci-fi movies while it played.
The fifth time I just realized it's all pretty awesome and stopped paying attention and just enjoyed listening to it.
By the sixth time, I realized it's just some really cool music and I was glad I gave it the opportunity to grow on me.
Now I think he's one of the few current new guys out there really doing something new and interesting. Almost groundbreaking really. He's underrated because he's so far ahead of the curve people don't even get what he's doing.
I never would've discovered him if I'd closed my mind to new music, or only gave a song one chance to impress me.
Sometimes you have to listen to things a few times to really let it settle into your brain.
Same thing happened with Alice in Chains and Soundgarden the first times I heard them. I didn't like their voices. After I'd heard them a few times though, my ears adjusted to what I was hearing and enjoyed and appreciated it.
Sometimes we put these expectations on music, "if it doesn't sound like I think it should sound, then I don't like it." When really that's a rather silly way to think.
Give the artist a few chances to present their ideas to you, and see if it grows on you. See if there's something there that you could learn or take away from the experience.
I write lots of songs and I know quite a few people that write lots of songs. None of us ever say, "I'm writing for this crowd in particular."
We write for everyone and hope that everyone will enjoy it. While still understanding that not everyone will.
It's just music.
On one hand it's the most important thing in the world, on the other hand,......it's just music.
Rants about how a certain style of music, or a band or single musician 'sucks' just never makes sense to me. Not only is it a bit of a waste, it's just more negativity thrown into an already negative world.
Why not use that opportunity to present to me something that you think is awesome and amazing (like I did with the Animals as Leaders video) and perhaps you can share with me something awesome that I would not have discovered on my own?
I could tell you many things about the world that suck and make me sick to my stomach, but as long as I have your attention for this short moment as our lives intersect, I'd rather show you something beautiful.
Cheers.
-M-
But I really spend a lot of time looking for new music, in every genre. Today I've been listening to Sarah Chang and solo violin music. I really like metal, and all it's sub-genres. Same for rock, classic rock, blues, country, jazz, etc.
I just really love music, and am a massive fan of the electric guitar. I'll listen to Buddy Holly, then Johnny Cash, Then Necrophagist, then Sarah Chang, and it doesn't seem odd to me, it's all just music.
Humans live a complicated and complex range of emotions, and there's plenty of music that reflects those emotions, from full throated raging "Just wanna break sh*t!" types of music, to somber music that's so powerful and full of angst you almost want to cry listening to it (like some really good violin music can do.)
I just don't understand expressions like, "that's 'your' music, and this is 'my' music." I'm not saying anyone is wrong to say such things, just that I don't understand it.
When I was a kid and Metallica was still underground, I loved them and still do. I also liked Lnyrd Skynrd and Creedence Clearwater Revival and Zeppelin and Sabbath.
As a teen I got into early Soundgarden, Alice in Chains, TooL, etc. "grunge/alternative" music.
In my late 20's early 30's I got more into death metal and sci-fi metal, as well as some country and some jazz.
I just can't understand not wanting to grow and expand as a musician or even as a music listener. I don't understand not constantly seeking out new music to listen to.
I guess "grunge" would be considered 'my' music, since I was a teenager when it came out. But I can't imagine spending the rest of my life listening to just that when there's so much other good music that needs listening to. Pretty much all music through the entire course of human history has had some incredible musicians worth listening to from Bach and Mozart up to and including Tosin Abasi or that kid down the street playing a cool melody I hear drifting through my window.
It's all just music, you either love music or you don't right? As soon as you start labeling and boxing it in, you're really just hurting yourself.
You're not hurting the music, it doesn't care what you think. But you might be depriving yourself of some really cool music.
Or at the very, very least. Depriving yourself of hearing something that inspires you to do something new and different with the music that you write.
You never know where inspiration will come from. As an artist you've got to constantly feed yourself new things to digest and dissect.
The first time I heard Animals as Leaders, I thought it was pretty crazy, out of time stuff. And I didn't care for the guitar tone.
The second time I listened to it, I noticed he was using some really unusual chords and note choices for his melodies.
The third time I listened to it I realized the guy is a virtuoso.
The fourth time I listened to it I noticed I tended to think of outer space and sci-fi movies while it played.
The fifth time I just realized it's all pretty awesome and stopped paying attention and just enjoyed listening to it.
By the sixth time, I realized it's just some really cool music and I was glad I gave it the opportunity to grow on me.
Now I think he's one of the few current new guys out there really doing something new and interesting. Almost groundbreaking really. He's underrated because he's so far ahead of the curve people don't even get what he's doing.
I never would've discovered him if I'd closed my mind to new music, or only gave a song one chance to impress me.
Sometimes you have to listen to things a few times to really let it settle into your brain.
Same thing happened with Alice in Chains and Soundgarden the first times I heard them. I didn't like their voices. After I'd heard them a few times though, my ears adjusted to what I was hearing and enjoyed and appreciated it.
Sometimes we put these expectations on music, "if it doesn't sound like I think it should sound, then I don't like it." When really that's a rather silly way to think.
Give the artist a few chances to present their ideas to you, and see if it grows on you. See if there's something there that you could learn or take away from the experience.
I write lots of songs and I know quite a few people that write lots of songs. None of us ever say, "I'm writing for this crowd in particular."
We write for everyone and hope that everyone will enjoy it. While still understanding that not everyone will.
It's just music.
On one hand it's the most important thing in the world, on the other hand,......it's just music.
Rants about how a certain style of music, or a band or single musician 'sucks' just never makes sense to me. Not only is it a bit of a waste, it's just more negativity thrown into an already negative world.
Why not use that opportunity to present to me something that you think is awesome and amazing (like I did with the Animals as Leaders video) and perhaps you can share with me something awesome that I would not have discovered on my own?
I could tell you many things about the world that suck and make me sick to my stomach, but as long as I have your attention for this short moment as our lives intersect, I'd rather show you something beautiful.
Cheers.
-M-
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Society and their Blues Artists (Joe Bonamassa)
I think, and this is just my personal opinion, but I think people just need to learn to accept and take what they get and stop projecting onto musicians what they think they should be doing.
Joe Bonamassa dresses nice and wears sunglasses. That's what he wants to do, it's what he feels comfortable doing. He plays blues for a living. People want to say he's a shredder and I don't see that at all. He's not tearing the pentatonics up any faster then SRV did (from what I see.)
I just see a dude making a living playing some cool rocking blues.
It is what it is.
I'll be the first person to say all these rules about how people are supposed to play, and things they're supposed to do, and what to wear or not wear to fall comfortably into the category of being "blues players" is just completely and totally ridiculous. Don't play too fast, don't use too much distortion, don't use humbuckers,.......jeez.
It's total bulls**t. Who wrote these supposed rules? Tradition? What tradition? The tradtional Greats that everyone is comparing the 'new' guys to, weren't following any rules or traditions, they were just living their lives playing their music. So is Joe.
Maybe he's creating his own traditions? There's a thought.
He's obviously carving his own path. And if he's anything like me I bet he'd say, "if you like it, cool, c'mon along for the ride. If you don't like it? Blow! Go find something else to criticize."
People are destroying the blues by trying to force it to be something it's not and never was.
It's expression.
It's living your life and expressing yourself through your instrument. I know a lot of people like to make jokes about John Mayer, and I'll be the first to admit I think one of the reasons we do is because he appears to not be committed to the blues. He plays pop when he wants, and blues when it's convenient, it seems like it's all fun and games for him. Who knows?
But from the little I've seen of Joe, this guy is living the blues. This is his life and it seems like what he's always done. That's what a bluesman is. Someone who's not doing it by choice. But doing it because to not do it would be like death.
Sometimes I just feel so bad for todays musicians. Living under a microscope where everybody and their brother is right there scrutinizing every move and every mistake. Picking on everything from the clothes they wear to their choice of guitar, to whether they play too fast or slow, or use overdrive or distortion.
It's madness.
It's just blues guitar. Maybe it's not your particular favorite kind of blues style, but who are we to judge? There's like 20 different styles of blues music.
I'm not out there playing to a crowd of thousands of people, and Joe is. And he's doing it by playing blues. And nowadays that's extremely impressive.
Shouldn't we just be happy that in the age where Hip-Hop rules, that people even still have any kind of interest in the blues? This is a genre that could've probably died a long time ago, but it didn't. Because it's real and it speaks to people. And at the end of the day isn't that what people really want? Music that speaks to them and moves something inside them? Makes them think and feel things?
There's a lot of bitterness in people today I can't even begin to understand. I've never heard one bad thing about Joe B as a person. I've never heard he acts like a jerk or treats people poorly, or talks badly about other people in the press. I just see a dude who makes a living playing some mean blues guitar.
If he died tomorrow, half the people that talk sh*t would suddenly say how he was so talented and how much he'll be missed.
How about we start appreciating these people while they're alive? And not having their deaths give us the hindsight to realize that we missed out on someone awesome.
Joe Bonamassa dresses nice and wears sunglasses. That's what he wants to do, it's what he feels comfortable doing. He plays blues for a living. People want to say he's a shredder and I don't see that at all. He's not tearing the pentatonics up any faster then SRV did (from what I see.)
I just see a dude making a living playing some cool rocking blues.
It is what it is.
I'll be the first person to say all these rules about how people are supposed to play, and things they're supposed to do, and what to wear or not wear to fall comfortably into the category of being "blues players" is just completely and totally ridiculous. Don't play too fast, don't use too much distortion, don't use humbuckers,.......jeez.
It's total bulls**t. Who wrote these supposed rules? Tradition? What tradition? The tradtional Greats that everyone is comparing the 'new' guys to, weren't following any rules or traditions, they were just living their lives playing their music. So is Joe.
Maybe he's creating his own traditions? There's a thought.
He's obviously carving his own path. And if he's anything like me I bet he'd say, "if you like it, cool, c'mon along for the ride. If you don't like it? Blow! Go find something else to criticize."
People are destroying the blues by trying to force it to be something it's not and never was.
It's expression.
It's living your life and expressing yourself through your instrument. I know a lot of people like to make jokes about John Mayer, and I'll be the first to admit I think one of the reasons we do is because he appears to not be committed to the blues. He plays pop when he wants, and blues when it's convenient, it seems like it's all fun and games for him. Who knows?
But from the little I've seen of Joe, this guy is living the blues. This is his life and it seems like what he's always done. That's what a bluesman is. Someone who's not doing it by choice. But doing it because to not do it would be like death.
Sometimes I just feel so bad for todays musicians. Living under a microscope where everybody and their brother is right there scrutinizing every move and every mistake. Picking on everything from the clothes they wear to their choice of guitar, to whether they play too fast or slow, or use overdrive or distortion.
It's madness.
It's just blues guitar. Maybe it's not your particular favorite kind of blues style, but who are we to judge? There's like 20 different styles of blues music.
I'm not out there playing to a crowd of thousands of people, and Joe is. And he's doing it by playing blues. And nowadays that's extremely impressive.
Shouldn't we just be happy that in the age where Hip-Hop rules, that people even still have any kind of interest in the blues? This is a genre that could've probably died a long time ago, but it didn't. Because it's real and it speaks to people. And at the end of the day isn't that what people really want? Music that speaks to them and moves something inside them? Makes them think and feel things?
There's a lot of bitterness in people today I can't even begin to understand. I've never heard one bad thing about Joe B as a person. I've never heard he acts like a jerk or treats people poorly, or talks badly about other people in the press. I just see a dude who makes a living playing some mean blues guitar.
If he died tomorrow, half the people that talk sh*t would suddenly say how he was so talented and how much he'll be missed.
How about we start appreciating these people while they're alive? And not having their deaths give us the hindsight to realize that we missed out on someone awesome.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Broken mind or a different view?
Now I've gotta figure out how to get a real job when I haven't had one in 10 years. That's not going to look good on the resume. I can see the guy now, ... "Soo, I see this long gap in your work history here,....were you in prison?" "No sir, Cryogenics, long story but things are better now."
I know I want some health insurance though. And I'm not going back to construction because that's what busted my back in the first place.
Wonder if Guitar Center is hiring? Lmao. I'd love to work at Sweetwater but I'd have to relocate. But you know even if I end up selling power tools at Sears, I'm kind of OK with that. It's been a long 10 years trying to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly just by doing music and teaching. I've realized it really doesn't take much to make me happy because I'm not interested in material possessions, so I don't think it's going to take a ton of money to keep me happy either.
A lot of these feelings have been brewing for a year anyway. Unless you're a rich musician, being a musician is kind of a crap life. It's a weird feeling when you play in a club alongside or the day after or before some big band from the 80's, or a metal band you used to listen to or something. You start feeling like, "man they're playing here? They haven't gotten any further in 20 years then playing the same dive I'm playing?"
I was never really interested in the life or the lifestyle. I just like the art. I'm not a performer, hell I'm an introvert much of the time. I just happened to have found that my favorite canvas is a guitar, and I really enjoy sharing what I've learned and I like sharing my songs. Nowadays I can teach and make youtube videos if I want. I'm accomplishing both things that make me happy and I don't have to worry about the 100 things that don't. I can share my music pretty easily these days, I don't have to grind it out in the clubs if I don't want to.
I'd still like to gig and have fun playing music, but it's not the 'be all end all' anymore that it was for a long, long time. And I do think I'd like to turn the Malikon band into more of a bluesy rock band then the bluesy metal band it is now. That might cost me my band members though. I don't know, I'll have to talk to them. They'll either be happy or not but I hope they'll understand.
That hunger and that burning to take on the world just isn't really there any more. I just want to play for fun, not because I have to prove I'm as good or better then those that came before me. Something just shifted inside me and it's not so important now. I've accepted I'll never be on the cover of Guitar World or be able to shake James Hetfields hand and I'm cool with that.
I still love playing and still want to play. But that feeling of being chased by some monster that's always pushing me to go, go, go and make my mark on the world just isn't really there now. My biggest 'fans' are my GF and my kids, and I don't need to impress them with my guitar.
I can be in a blues band and just play locally and never get anywhere and never make money at it, and still be happy. It's taken me 20+ years to learn that. My success isn't dependent on national or global recognition. I realize that the goals I set for myself as a kid I've already achieved. I never dreamed of being famous. I dreamed of being able to destroy a guitar and be able to do anything I want to do on it, spontaneously. I reached that goal and I don't have to prove it to myself any longer.
Now I have new goals. Like steady income, health insurance, seeing my kids more, hearing my girlfriend laugh more because she's not sweating the bills and bearing the brunt of our finances.
Basically I think I just grew up or something. The world just looks a bit different now.
I'm starting to see the cup while still being half empty, also actually is half full, lol. I'm sure people will still piss me off and lots of lifes little annoyances will continue to annoy me. But I just see things a bit differently now.
Being able to come home and sit down to dinner with my woman, watch some silly tv show and eat dinner while we laugh about things suddenly seems priceless and not mundane.
I think I wasn't letting myself be happy because I'd convinced myself only some unobtainable goal would make me happy. But then the more I learn about professional touring bands and the life they live, I don't think that'd make me happy at all. It's a pretty crappy life. I mean I'm sure U2 and Metallica have pretty cool lives. But there's 100's of other bands out there just grinding it out that are never going to have that kind of fame or recognition. And one day it'll all be over for them and they spent their whole life bringing music to people who generally don't really appreciate it, or steal it or whatever. I guess I realized that the life I always dreamed of, really isn't for me. And that I have the ability and people in my life that make me genuinely happy and I don't need more. Like I said if people really dig my music I can always keep making music and releasing it online. I don't need to tour around and grind out the clubs to be able to share it with people. I share it with people now from my living room.
And by all means, if anyone likes my music? Rip that *****. Download and convert it if you want it. I made it to share with people, not charge them for it. There's plenty of programs like download helper that'll yank it right off of youtube. Download and enjoy, that's what it's there for. Sorry the quality isn't better but I just do what I can with what I've got.
I know I want some health insurance though. And I'm not going back to construction because that's what busted my back in the first place.
Wonder if Guitar Center is hiring? Lmao. I'd love to work at Sweetwater but I'd have to relocate. But you know even if I end up selling power tools at Sears, I'm kind of OK with that. It's been a long 10 years trying to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly just by doing music and teaching. I've realized it really doesn't take much to make me happy because I'm not interested in material possessions, so I don't think it's going to take a ton of money to keep me happy either.
A lot of these feelings have been brewing for a year anyway. Unless you're a rich musician, being a musician is kind of a crap life. It's a weird feeling when you play in a club alongside or the day after or before some big band from the 80's, or a metal band you used to listen to or something. You start feeling like, "man they're playing here? They haven't gotten any further in 20 years then playing the same dive I'm playing?"
I was never really interested in the life or the lifestyle. I just like the art. I'm not a performer, hell I'm an introvert much of the time. I just happened to have found that my favorite canvas is a guitar, and I really enjoy sharing what I've learned and I like sharing my songs. Nowadays I can teach and make youtube videos if I want. I'm accomplishing both things that make me happy and I don't have to worry about the 100 things that don't. I can share my music pretty easily these days, I don't have to grind it out in the clubs if I don't want to.
I'd still like to gig and have fun playing music, but it's not the 'be all end all' anymore that it was for a long, long time. And I do think I'd like to turn the Malikon band into more of a bluesy rock band then the bluesy metal band it is now. That might cost me my band members though. I don't know, I'll have to talk to them. They'll either be happy or not but I hope they'll understand.
That hunger and that burning to take on the world just isn't really there any more. I just want to play for fun, not because I have to prove I'm as good or better then those that came before me. Something just shifted inside me and it's not so important now. I've accepted I'll never be on the cover of Guitar World or be able to shake James Hetfields hand and I'm cool with that.
I still love playing and still want to play. But that feeling of being chased by some monster that's always pushing me to go, go, go and make my mark on the world just isn't really there now. My biggest 'fans' are my GF and my kids, and I don't need to impress them with my guitar.
I can be in a blues band and just play locally and never get anywhere and never make money at it, and still be happy. It's taken me 20+ years to learn that. My success isn't dependent on national or global recognition. I realize that the goals I set for myself as a kid I've already achieved. I never dreamed of being famous. I dreamed of being able to destroy a guitar and be able to do anything I want to do on it, spontaneously. I reached that goal and I don't have to prove it to myself any longer.
Now I have new goals. Like steady income, health insurance, seeing my kids more, hearing my girlfriend laugh more because she's not sweating the bills and bearing the brunt of our finances.
Basically I think I just grew up or something. The world just looks a bit different now.
I'm starting to see the cup while still being half empty, also actually is half full, lol. I'm sure people will still piss me off and lots of lifes little annoyances will continue to annoy me. But I just see things a bit differently now.
Being able to come home and sit down to dinner with my woman, watch some silly tv show and eat dinner while we laugh about things suddenly seems priceless and not mundane.
I think I wasn't letting myself be happy because I'd convinced myself only some unobtainable goal would make me happy. But then the more I learn about professional touring bands and the life they live, I don't think that'd make me happy at all. It's a pretty crappy life. I mean I'm sure U2 and Metallica have pretty cool lives. But there's 100's of other bands out there just grinding it out that are never going to have that kind of fame or recognition. And one day it'll all be over for them and they spent their whole life bringing music to people who generally don't really appreciate it, or steal it or whatever. I guess I realized that the life I always dreamed of, really isn't for me. And that I have the ability and people in my life that make me genuinely happy and I don't need more. Like I said if people really dig my music I can always keep making music and releasing it online. I don't need to tour around and grind out the clubs to be able to share it with people. I share it with people now from my living room.
And by all means, if anyone likes my music? Rip that *****. Download and convert it if you want it. I made it to share with people, not charge them for it. There's plenty of programs like download helper that'll yank it right off of youtube. Download and enjoy, that's what it's there for. Sorry the quality isn't better but I just do what I can with what I've got.
Life Changing Moments
Turns out I had a pretty awful week, though it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
On monday I had some kind of attack where I couldn't breath. My chest seized up and my back clenched and I really just couldn't draw air fast enough. It hurt and it sucked, and I didn't smoke any cigarettes that day.
On tuesday I felt better and went for a walk to the music store and I admit, smoked a couple cigarettes that day.
On wednesday I had another attack, really, really bad one. It dropped me and I couldn't get off the bathroom floor. I had some time to think about things while I was staring at the tile. Mostly that I was an idiot and this was probably because of smoking. That's when I had a moment of clarity and realized that I hadn't "devoted my life to playing guitar,'' I've actually put my life to the side and focused on little else since I was a teenager. Didn't go to prom, didn't do a lot of things. Pushed away a lot of friends and family. Totally committed to the ninja path of being a BAMF on a guitar. And I'll tell you while I was laying there? That seemed like a really stupid thing to do. Suddenly guitar wasn't important at all and I really didn't care if I ever played again. I just wanted to breath and see my family. At that moment I think I hated guitar. I viewed it as some kind of evil succubus that stole my life.
My girlfriend came home and found me panting (and crying, hell, long as I'm being honest) which really scared her because I haven't cried since I was a kid. I actually thought I couldn't do it anymore. But at this point I was in so much pain and couldn't breath, my mind was racing about what an idiot I'd been spending my life playing guitar, and I figured I had lung cancer. For being a 20 year smoker I just couldn't imagine having this much pain and it being anything else.
So I went to the hospital. Cook county. After being there for hours I started feeling better and I asked, "how long is the wait to see a doctor?" I was told 18-20 hours. Ahh the joy of being uninsured. Tell them you can't breath, and they say have a seat the doctor will be with you tomorrow.
Well, I went home. Even posted here a little bit. I was feeling better and the denial that everything was ok kicked back in.
Until I went to sleep.
I woke up gasping and retching around 5am. Back to the hospital.
I was seen last night around 11pm.
Yup, I sat in purgatory for 17 hours surrounded by all the other poor miserable people.
Scared to go to the bathroom. (what if they call my name?)
Scared to go outside and get warm (what if they call my name?)
Ugh, it sucked. Longest 17 hours of my life.
Now, no religion on the board and I'm a pretty confirmed agnostic/atheist. But, well it's true, there's no atheists in a foxhole. I was praying hard, that's pretty much all I did for those 17 hours.
I was convinced it was lung cancer. What else could it be? I'm a pretty healthy guy, reasonably young (though creeping up on mid-30's) and now my back feels like I'm getting a knife in my shoulder blade every time I breath and my chest feels like it's covered in scar tissue. My hands are shaking, I can't take a deep breath. Pretty miserable all the way around.
And I kept thinking about how I'd kind of wasted my life. Taking music so seriously that in a way it made me miserable. Constantly pushing to have it as a career even though I knew that luck is a big factor and you can't force luck. And the older I got I think the more bitter I got.
So I made a deal with The Big Guy upstairs. Get me out of this, and I'm selling some guitars and bringing things down to just my Fender Strat and my Fender amp. I'll tell the guys in the band that I still want to play, but only for fun-that I don't want to kill myself all the time trying to find a bass player and gigs and promote us and drive myself crazy trying to make something happen that's most likely just not going to happen. And if they don't want to play with me anymore I understand. I'm going to start applying myself to finding a real, actual, job-type job. With benefits, so I don't have to sit for 17 hours in a clinic/hospital again. And I want to buy my GF a ring and marry her. Because she's stuck by me year after year while I struggled and never complained.
Basically I realized it's time to put down my guitar, get my nose out of books, and start living my life again. Ever since I first hurt my back 10 years ago it's like I've been scared. So I've just been taking it easy, playing it safe. Staying inside and away from people much of the time and just focused on books and guitar.
So now I had this plan in my mind, of course there's that whole lung cancer thing kinda weighing heavy on me. In my mind it felt like standing in a hallway looking through a door. On the other side of that door was sunshine, grass and trees, my kids laughing, ....life. But I didn't know if I was going to be able to walk through that door or if it was going to slam shut and leave me in darkness forever.
So I had blood work done and an EKG and a chest X-ray. Here's where I really started freaking out. The Xray guy kept staring at the computer, "Sooooo, why are you here?" "I can't breath" looks back at the computer, "You smoke." "Uh, yeah. I used to but I just quit." looks back at the screen, "Take care."
Now my mind's just racing, "what did he see? how did he know I smoke? aw man this guy looks at x rays all the time, I bet he sees the cancer and doesn't know what to say so he's just staying stone faced and now wont make eye contact."
This was about the 14th or 15th hour of waiting, so I still had hours to see a doctor. Those last couple hours were sheer hell and my mind was like a trapped rat. I started thinking the nurse tech was avoiding my eyes because, "he knows" and all kinds of things along those lines. My GF came and brought me some food but couldn't stay too long because of parking. When she left I saw tears in her eyes and it killed me. She's a strong woman. We're both members of the 'No-Cry' club, and I could see this was killing her. She was thinking the same thoughts. I was thinking that this is going to destroy my mother who lost both her parents in the past couple years and if she loses me now she's going to spiral badly. I thought of my kids and my ex-wife. And I actually thought of you guys and gals here at Strat-Talk and realized how much I'd miss some of you. I remember hoping my GF would be able to log in so she could at least post a thread letting you all know what happened. I was sure I wasn't actually coming out of the hospital and going home again.
So I'm praying like crazy. "Hey big guy? Remember me? Yeah, the knucklehead with the guitar who doesn't need anything or anybody. Hey if you could forgive me for being a jackass I'd really appreciate a hand down here. Turns out I've been a fool and I'm not ready for the story to end just yet. It's been a fun ride man, but I think it's time to grow up. If you could uhm, suddenly make me healthy? That'd be really awesome. Some people might be sad if I suddenly check out and I'd hate for people to be sad, but mostly I'd hate to leave feeling like I didn't live as much as I should have. You see now I've got all these plans I'd like to try and see prosper and I can't do that if I'm not here. I know my plans mean nothing to you, but if you'll look in my head you'll see that I'm ready to try and become a different and better person. Heck I'll even laser off all the tattoos if it will make you happy. Just let me have this one thing. I've never asked for much and I'll never ask for a favor again. Just take this ***** out of me and let me breath again and you'll see a different Malikon."
Suddenly I could breath better.
I know, it sounds crazy. I'm not saying it was a miracle or trying to push an agenda. I'm just saying the fact was, I could breath better. My back still ached and my chest felt sore, but it wasn't like before. It wasn't burning pain. It was an ache.
Finally got to go back and get in a room and bed and see a doctor. Dropped my clothes in the bag and wore that awesome gown, lol. The doctor came in and talked to me for awhile. And her demeanor scared me, she was too nice. I thought it was because of what she'd seen on the x ray. She took temp and all that stuff. Listened to my back and front with the stethoscope. And then dropped the bomb.
I was perfectly fine, and my x rays looked fine. Remarkably fine for someone who's been smoking for 20 years. And lets be honest, not just cigarettes. It's not just the music that I dug from the 60's and 70's, lol.
I saw 3 doctors and they all said the same thing. My x rays look "good", the EKG and blood work show no problems either. I dodged a bullet. I got some weird non viral/non infectious bronchitis which made my lungs and chest inflamed, which is what the ache was. And because I was coughing and already have a hurt back, I pulled a muscle in my back which made it even more painful then it should've been. And it's possible my over active mind was causing panic attacks which made other symptoms develop. (like tingling arms and legs and an ever harder time breathing.)
Did I dodge a bullet? Did the big guy somehow make some awful thing inside me disappear? I don't know. I do know I felt something in that waiting area and there was an immediate change in the way I felt. I try to rationalize and tell myself my brain probably dumped some dopamine in me. But why would it do that? I wasn't happy at all. I'm surely not preaching or trying to convince anyone of anything. I just know I felt different. Draw from that what you like, or nothing at all. It is what it is.
I got out of the hospital and there was rain and lightening. It was beautiful. I took the train home and walked some blocks back to my apartment watching the lightening and smiling. Totally soaked and happier then I've probably ever been.
It's been a crazy week but I feel like I have a new view and lease on life.
And my guitars are for sale if anyone's interested.
Just not the Fender.
I'll still teach and play, probably still make youtube videos too when the inspiration hits. But I'm through taking it seriously. It's just for fun now. My whole life I've been nomadic and pretty care free. It's time to settle down and start being normal.
Oddly enough that doesn't scare me like it used to, it's actually kind of comforting.
On monday I had some kind of attack where I couldn't breath. My chest seized up and my back clenched and I really just couldn't draw air fast enough. It hurt and it sucked, and I didn't smoke any cigarettes that day.
On tuesday I felt better and went for a walk to the music store and I admit, smoked a couple cigarettes that day.
On wednesday I had another attack, really, really bad one. It dropped me and I couldn't get off the bathroom floor. I had some time to think about things while I was staring at the tile. Mostly that I was an idiot and this was probably because of smoking. That's when I had a moment of clarity and realized that I hadn't "devoted my life to playing guitar,'' I've actually put my life to the side and focused on little else since I was a teenager. Didn't go to prom, didn't do a lot of things. Pushed away a lot of friends and family. Totally committed to the ninja path of being a BAMF on a guitar. And I'll tell you while I was laying there? That seemed like a really stupid thing to do. Suddenly guitar wasn't important at all and I really didn't care if I ever played again. I just wanted to breath and see my family. At that moment I think I hated guitar. I viewed it as some kind of evil succubus that stole my life.
My girlfriend came home and found me panting (and crying, hell, long as I'm being honest) which really scared her because I haven't cried since I was a kid. I actually thought I couldn't do it anymore. But at this point I was in so much pain and couldn't breath, my mind was racing about what an idiot I'd been spending my life playing guitar, and I figured I had lung cancer. For being a 20 year smoker I just couldn't imagine having this much pain and it being anything else.
So I went to the hospital. Cook county. After being there for hours I started feeling better and I asked, "how long is the wait to see a doctor?" I was told 18-20 hours. Ahh the joy of being uninsured. Tell them you can't breath, and they say have a seat the doctor will be with you tomorrow.
Well, I went home. Even posted here a little bit. I was feeling better and the denial that everything was ok kicked back in.
Until I went to sleep.
I woke up gasping and retching around 5am. Back to the hospital.
I was seen last night around 11pm.
Yup, I sat in purgatory for 17 hours surrounded by all the other poor miserable people.
Scared to go to the bathroom. (what if they call my name?)
Scared to go outside and get warm (what if they call my name?)
Ugh, it sucked. Longest 17 hours of my life.
Now, no religion on the board and I'm a pretty confirmed agnostic/atheist. But, well it's true, there's no atheists in a foxhole. I was praying hard, that's pretty much all I did for those 17 hours.
I was convinced it was lung cancer. What else could it be? I'm a pretty healthy guy, reasonably young (though creeping up on mid-30's) and now my back feels like I'm getting a knife in my shoulder blade every time I breath and my chest feels like it's covered in scar tissue. My hands are shaking, I can't take a deep breath. Pretty miserable all the way around.
And I kept thinking about how I'd kind of wasted my life. Taking music so seriously that in a way it made me miserable. Constantly pushing to have it as a career even though I knew that luck is a big factor and you can't force luck. And the older I got I think the more bitter I got.
So I made a deal with The Big Guy upstairs. Get me out of this, and I'm selling some guitars and bringing things down to just my Fender Strat and my Fender amp. I'll tell the guys in the band that I still want to play, but only for fun-that I don't want to kill myself all the time trying to find a bass player and gigs and promote us and drive myself crazy trying to make something happen that's most likely just not going to happen. And if they don't want to play with me anymore I understand. I'm going to start applying myself to finding a real, actual, job-type job. With benefits, so I don't have to sit for 17 hours in a clinic/hospital again. And I want to buy my GF a ring and marry her. Because she's stuck by me year after year while I struggled and never complained.
Basically I realized it's time to put down my guitar, get my nose out of books, and start living my life again. Ever since I first hurt my back 10 years ago it's like I've been scared. So I've just been taking it easy, playing it safe. Staying inside and away from people much of the time and just focused on books and guitar.
So now I had this plan in my mind, of course there's that whole lung cancer thing kinda weighing heavy on me. In my mind it felt like standing in a hallway looking through a door. On the other side of that door was sunshine, grass and trees, my kids laughing, ....life. But I didn't know if I was going to be able to walk through that door or if it was going to slam shut and leave me in darkness forever.
So I had blood work done and an EKG and a chest X-ray. Here's where I really started freaking out. The Xray guy kept staring at the computer, "Sooooo, why are you here?" "I can't breath" looks back at the computer, "You smoke." "Uh, yeah. I used to but I just quit." looks back at the screen, "Take care."
Now my mind's just racing, "what did he see? how did he know I smoke? aw man this guy looks at x rays all the time, I bet he sees the cancer and doesn't know what to say so he's just staying stone faced and now wont make eye contact."
This was about the 14th or 15th hour of waiting, so I still had hours to see a doctor. Those last couple hours were sheer hell and my mind was like a trapped rat. I started thinking the nurse tech was avoiding my eyes because, "he knows" and all kinds of things along those lines. My GF came and brought me some food but couldn't stay too long because of parking. When she left I saw tears in her eyes and it killed me. She's a strong woman. We're both members of the 'No-Cry' club, and I could see this was killing her. She was thinking the same thoughts. I was thinking that this is going to destroy my mother who lost both her parents in the past couple years and if she loses me now she's going to spiral badly. I thought of my kids and my ex-wife. And I actually thought of you guys and gals here at Strat-Talk and realized how much I'd miss some of you. I remember hoping my GF would be able to log in so she could at least post a thread letting you all know what happened. I was sure I wasn't actually coming out of the hospital and going home again.
So I'm praying like crazy. "Hey big guy? Remember me? Yeah, the knucklehead with the guitar who doesn't need anything or anybody. Hey if you could forgive me for being a jackass I'd really appreciate a hand down here. Turns out I've been a fool and I'm not ready for the story to end just yet. It's been a fun ride man, but I think it's time to grow up. If you could uhm, suddenly make me healthy? That'd be really awesome. Some people might be sad if I suddenly check out and I'd hate for people to be sad, but mostly I'd hate to leave feeling like I didn't live as much as I should have. You see now I've got all these plans I'd like to try and see prosper and I can't do that if I'm not here. I know my plans mean nothing to you, but if you'll look in my head you'll see that I'm ready to try and become a different and better person. Heck I'll even laser off all the tattoos if it will make you happy. Just let me have this one thing. I've never asked for much and I'll never ask for a favor again. Just take this ***** out of me and let me breath again and you'll see a different Malikon."
Suddenly I could breath better.
I know, it sounds crazy. I'm not saying it was a miracle or trying to push an agenda. I'm just saying the fact was, I could breath better. My back still ached and my chest felt sore, but it wasn't like before. It wasn't burning pain. It was an ache.
Finally got to go back and get in a room and bed and see a doctor. Dropped my clothes in the bag and wore that awesome gown, lol. The doctor came in and talked to me for awhile. And her demeanor scared me, she was too nice. I thought it was because of what she'd seen on the x ray. She took temp and all that stuff. Listened to my back and front with the stethoscope. And then dropped the bomb.
I was perfectly fine, and my x rays looked fine. Remarkably fine for someone who's been smoking for 20 years. And lets be honest, not just cigarettes. It's not just the music that I dug from the 60's and 70's, lol.
I saw 3 doctors and they all said the same thing. My x rays look "good", the EKG and blood work show no problems either. I dodged a bullet. I got some weird non viral/non infectious bronchitis which made my lungs and chest inflamed, which is what the ache was. And because I was coughing and already have a hurt back, I pulled a muscle in my back which made it even more painful then it should've been. And it's possible my over active mind was causing panic attacks which made other symptoms develop. (like tingling arms and legs and an ever harder time breathing.)
Did I dodge a bullet? Did the big guy somehow make some awful thing inside me disappear? I don't know. I do know I felt something in that waiting area and there was an immediate change in the way I felt. I try to rationalize and tell myself my brain probably dumped some dopamine in me. But why would it do that? I wasn't happy at all. I'm surely not preaching or trying to convince anyone of anything. I just know I felt different. Draw from that what you like, or nothing at all. It is what it is.
I got out of the hospital and there was rain and lightening. It was beautiful. I took the train home and walked some blocks back to my apartment watching the lightening and smiling. Totally soaked and happier then I've probably ever been.
It's been a crazy week but I feel like I have a new view and lease on life.
And my guitars are for sale if anyone's interested.
Just not the Fender.
I'll still teach and play, probably still make youtube videos too when the inspiration hits. But I'm through taking it seriously. It's just for fun now. My whole life I've been nomadic and pretty care free. It's time to settle down and start being normal.
Oddly enough that doesn't scare me like it used to, it's actually kind of comforting.
Wow, time has passed
Man I feel so bad. Digging through my bookmarks tonight I found this one. I'd completely forgotten I even started a blog. Most time's I feel like I don't have much to say. Other times I think I say too much.
Life's been hectic lately.
Got a ton of new music up on my music channel:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Malikon1
and lately I've been wrestling pretty hard with the idea of growing up and finally settling down. Had a health scare last week that put life in a slightly new perspective for me. Perhaps I'll comment on that later, it's hard to write about.
heh, I have a blog.
Totally forgot!
Life's been hectic lately.
Got a ton of new music up on my music channel:
http://www.youtube.com/user/Malikon1
and lately I've been wrestling pretty hard with the idea of growing up and finally settling down. Had a health scare last week that put life in a slightly new perspective for me. Perhaps I'll comment on that later, it's hard to write about.
heh, I have a blog.
Totally forgot!
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