Broken mind or a different view?

Now I've gotta figure out how to get a real job when I haven't had one in 10 years. That's not going to look good on the resume. I can see the guy now, ... "Soo, I see this long gap in your work history here,....were you in prison?" "No sir, Cryogenics, long story but things are better now."

I know I want some health insurance though. And I'm not going back to construction because that's what busted my back in the first place.

Wonder if Guitar Center is hiring? Lmao. I'd love to work at Sweetwater but I'd have to relocate. But you know even if I end up selling power tools at Sears, I'm kind of OK with that. It's been a long 10 years trying to keep a roof over my head and food in my belly just by doing music and teaching. I've realized it really doesn't take much to make me happy because I'm not interested in material possessions, so I don't think it's going to take a ton of money to keep me happy either.

A lot of these feelings have been brewing for a year anyway. Unless you're a rich musician, being a musician is kind of a crap life. It's a weird feeling when you play in a club alongside or the day after or before some big band from the 80's, or a metal band you used to listen to or something. You start feeling like, "man they're playing here? They haven't gotten any further in 20 years then playing the same dive I'm playing?"

I was never really interested in the life or the lifestyle. I just like the art. I'm not a performer, hell I'm an introvert much of the time. I just happened to have found that my favorite canvas is a guitar, and I really enjoy sharing what I've learned and I like sharing my songs. Nowadays I can teach and make youtube videos if I want. I'm accomplishing both things that make me happy and I don't have to worry about the 100 things that don't. I can share my music pretty easily these days, I don't have to grind it out in the clubs if I don't want to.

I'd still like to gig and have fun playing music, but it's not the 'be all end all' anymore that it was for a long, long time. And I do think I'd like to turn the Malikon band into more of a bluesy rock band then the bluesy metal band it is now. That might cost me my band members though. I don't know, I'll have to talk to them. They'll either be happy or not but I hope they'll understand.

That hunger and that burning to take on the world just isn't really there any more. I just want to play for fun, not because I have to prove I'm as good or better then those that came before me. Something just shifted inside me and it's not so important now. I've accepted I'll never be on the cover of Guitar World or be able to shake James Hetfields hand and I'm cool with that.

I still love playing and still want to play. But that feeling of being chased by some monster that's always pushing me to go, go, go and make my mark on the world just isn't really there now. My biggest 'fans' are my GF and my kids, and I don't need to impress them with my guitar.

I can be in a blues band and just play locally and never get anywhere and never make money at it, and still be happy. It's taken me 20+ years to learn that. My success isn't dependent on national or global recognition. I realize that the goals I set for myself as a kid I've already achieved. I never dreamed of being famous. I dreamed of being able to destroy a guitar and be able to do anything I want to do on it, spontaneously. I reached that goal and I don't have to prove it to myself any longer.

Now I have new goals. Like steady income, health insurance, seeing my kids more, hearing my girlfriend laugh more because she's not sweating the bills and bearing the brunt of our finances.

Basically I think I just grew up or something. The world just looks a bit different now.

I'm starting to see the cup while still being half empty, also actually is half full, lol. I'm sure people will still piss me off and lots of lifes little annoyances will continue to annoy me. But I just see things a bit differently now.

Being able to come home and sit down to dinner with my woman, watch some silly tv show and eat dinner while we laugh about things suddenly seems priceless and not mundane.

I think I wasn't letting myself be happy because I'd convinced myself only some unobtainable goal would make me happy. But then the more I learn about professional touring bands and the life they live, I don't think that'd make me happy at all. It's a pretty crappy life. I mean I'm sure U2 and Metallica have pretty cool lives. But there's 100's of other bands out there just grinding it out that are never going to have that kind of fame or recognition. And one day it'll all be over for them and they spent their whole life bringing music to people who generally don't really appreciate it, or steal it or whatever. I guess I realized that the life I always dreamed of, really isn't for me. And that I have the ability and people in my life that make me genuinely happy and I don't need more. Like I said if people really dig my music I can always keep making music and releasing it online. I don't need to tour around and grind out the clubs to be able to share it with people. I share it with people now from my living room.

And by all means, if anyone likes my music? Rip that *****. Download and convert it if you want it. I made it to share with people, not charge them for it. There's plenty of programs like download helper that'll yank it right off of youtube. Download and enjoy, that's what it's there for. Sorry the quality isn't better but I just do what I can with what I've got.