Life Changing Moments

Turns out I had a pretty awful week, though it turned out to be a blessing in disguise.

On monday I had some kind of attack where I couldn't breath. My chest seized up and my back clenched and I really just couldn't draw air fast enough. It hurt and it sucked, and I didn't smoke any cigarettes that day.

On tuesday I felt better and went for a walk to the music store and I admit, smoked a couple cigarettes that day.

On wednesday I had another attack, really, really bad one. It dropped me and I couldn't get off the bathroom floor. I had some time to think about things while I was staring at the tile. Mostly that I was an idiot and this was probably because of smoking. That's when I had a moment of clarity and realized that I hadn't "devoted my life to playing guitar,'' I've actually put my life to the side and focused on little else since I was a teenager. Didn't go to prom, didn't do a lot of things. Pushed away a lot of friends and family. Totally committed to the ninja path of being a BAMF on a guitar. And I'll tell you while I was laying there? That seemed like a really stupid thing to do. Suddenly guitar wasn't important at all and I really didn't care if I ever played again. I just wanted to breath and see my family. At that moment I think I hated guitar. I viewed it as some kind of evil succubus that stole my life.

My girlfriend came home and found me panting (and crying, hell, long as I'm being honest) which really scared her because I haven't cried since I was a kid. I actually thought I couldn't do it anymore. But at this point I was in so much pain and couldn't breath, my mind was racing about what an idiot I'd been spending my life playing guitar, and I figured I had lung cancer. For being a 20 year smoker I just couldn't imagine having this much pain and it being anything else.

So I went to the hospital. Cook county. After being there for hours I started feeling better and I asked, "how long is the wait to see a doctor?" I was told 18-20 hours. Ahh the joy of being uninsured. Tell them you can't breath, and they say have a seat the doctor will be with you tomorrow.

Well, I went home. Even posted here a little bit. I was feeling better and the denial that everything was ok kicked back in.

Until I went to sleep.

I woke up gasping and retching around 5am. Back to the hospital.

I was seen last night around 11pm.

Yup, I sat in purgatory for 17 hours surrounded by all the other poor miserable people.

Scared to go to the bathroom. (what if they call my name?)
Scared to go outside and get warm (what if they call my name?)

Ugh, it sucked. Longest 17 hours of my life.

Now, no religion on the board and I'm a pretty confirmed agnostic/atheist. But, well it's true, there's no atheists in a foxhole. I was praying hard, that's pretty much all I did for those 17 hours.

I was convinced it was lung cancer. What else could it be? I'm a pretty healthy guy, reasonably young (though creeping up on mid-30's) and now my back feels like I'm getting a knife in my shoulder blade every time I breath and my chest feels like it's covered in scar tissue. My hands are shaking, I can't take a deep breath. Pretty miserable all the way around.

And I kept thinking about how I'd kind of wasted my life. Taking music so seriously that in a way it made me miserable. Constantly pushing to have it as a career even though I knew that luck is a big factor and you can't force luck. And the older I got I think the more bitter I got.

So I made a deal with The Big Guy upstairs. Get me out of this, and I'm selling some guitars and bringing things down to just my Fender Strat and my Fender amp. I'll tell the guys in the band that I still want to play, but only for fun-that I don't want to kill myself all the time trying to find a bass player and gigs and promote us and drive myself crazy trying to make something happen that's most likely just not going to happen. And if they don't want to play with me anymore I understand. I'm going to start applying myself to finding a real, actual, job-type job. With benefits, so I don't have to sit for 17 hours in a clinic/hospital again. And I want to buy my GF a ring and marry her. Because she's stuck by me year after year while I struggled and never complained.

Basically I realized it's time to put down my guitar, get my nose out of books, and start living my life again. Ever since I first hurt my back 10 years ago it's like I've been scared. So I've just been taking it easy, playing it safe. Staying inside and away from people much of the time and just focused on books and guitar.

So now I had this plan in my mind, of course there's that whole lung cancer thing kinda weighing heavy on me. In my mind it felt like standing in a hallway looking through a door. On the other side of that door was sunshine, grass and trees, my kids laughing, ....life. But I didn't know if I was going to be able to walk through that door or if it was going to slam shut and leave me in darkness forever.

So I had blood work done and an EKG and a chest X-ray. Here's where I really started freaking out. The Xray guy kept staring at the computer, "Sooooo, why are you here?" "I can't breath" looks back at the computer, "You smoke." "Uh, yeah. I used to but I just quit." looks back at the screen, "Take care."

Now my mind's just racing, "what did he see? how did he know I smoke? aw man this guy looks at x rays all the time, I bet he sees the cancer and doesn't know what to say so he's just staying stone faced and now wont make eye contact."

This was about the 14th or 15th hour of waiting, so I still had hours to see a doctor. Those last couple hours were sheer hell and my mind was like a trapped rat. I started thinking the nurse tech was avoiding my eyes because, "he knows" and all kinds of things along those lines. My GF came and brought me some food but couldn't stay too long because of parking. When she left I saw tears in her eyes and it killed me. She's a strong woman. We're both members of the 'No-Cry' club, and I could see this was killing her. She was thinking the same thoughts. I was thinking that this is going to destroy my mother who lost both her parents in the past couple years and if she loses me now she's going to spiral badly. I thought of my kids and my ex-wife. And I actually thought of you guys and gals here at Strat-Talk and realized how much I'd miss some of you. I remember hoping my GF would be able to log in so she could at least post a thread letting you all know what happened. I was sure I wasn't actually coming out of the hospital and going home again.

So I'm praying like crazy. "Hey big guy? Remember me? Yeah, the knucklehead with the guitar who doesn't need anything or anybody. Hey if you could forgive me for being a jackass I'd really appreciate a hand down here. Turns out I've been a fool and I'm not ready for the story to end just yet. It's been a fun ride man, but I think it's time to grow up. If you could uhm, suddenly make me healthy? That'd be really awesome. Some people might be sad if I suddenly check out and I'd hate for people to be sad, but mostly I'd hate to leave feeling like I didn't live as much as I should have. You see now I've got all these plans I'd like to try and see prosper and I can't do that if I'm not here. I know my plans mean nothing to you, but if you'll look in my head you'll see that I'm ready to try and become a different and better person. Heck I'll even laser off all the tattoos if it will make you happy. Just let me have this one thing. I've never asked for much and I'll never ask for a favor again. Just take this ***** out of me and let me breath again and you'll see a different Malikon."

Suddenly I could breath better.

I know, it sounds crazy. I'm not saying it was a miracle or trying to push an agenda. I'm just saying the fact was, I could breath better. My back still ached and my chest felt sore, but it wasn't like before. It wasn't burning pain. It was an ache.

Finally got to go back and get in a room and bed and see a doctor. Dropped my clothes in the bag and wore that awesome gown, lol. The doctor came in and talked to me for awhile. And her demeanor scared me, she was too nice. I thought it was because of what she'd seen on the x ray. She took temp and all that stuff. Listened to my back and front with the stethoscope. And then dropped the bomb.

I was perfectly fine, and my x rays looked fine. Remarkably fine for someone who's been smoking for 20 years. And lets be honest, not just cigarettes. It's not just the music that I dug from the 60's and 70's, lol.

I saw 3 doctors and they all said the same thing. My x rays look "good", the EKG and blood work show no problems either. I dodged a bullet. I got some weird non viral/non infectious bronchitis which made my lungs and chest inflamed, which is what the ache was. And because I was coughing and already have a hurt back, I pulled a muscle in my back which made it even more painful then it should've been. And it's possible my over active mind was causing panic attacks which made other symptoms develop. (like tingling arms and legs and an ever harder time breathing.)

Did I dodge a bullet? Did the big guy somehow make some awful thing inside me disappear? I don't know. I do know I felt something in that waiting area and there was an immediate change in the way I felt. I try to rationalize and tell myself my brain probably dumped some dopamine in me. But why would it do that? I wasn't happy at all. I'm surely not preaching or trying to convince anyone of anything. I just know I felt different. Draw from that what you like, or nothing at all. It is what it is.

I got out of the hospital and there was rain and lightening. It was beautiful. I took the train home and walked some blocks back to my apartment watching the lightening and smiling. Totally soaked and happier then I've probably ever been.

It's been a crazy week but I feel like I have a new view and lease on life.

And my guitars are for sale if anyone's interested.

Just not the Fender.

I'll still teach and play, probably still make youtube videos too when the inspiration hits. But I'm through taking it seriously. It's just for fun now. My whole life I've been nomadic and pretty care free. It's time to settle down and start being normal.

Oddly enough that doesn't scare me like it used to, it's actually kind of comforting.