When I was a kid I didn't like what all the other kids seemed to like. When I was a teen I was caught up in music and things like 'The Prom' and crap like that had no interest for me. As an adult I tried the 'be normal, get married, have a family' thing and that didn't work out at all. And now in my early 30's I have friends that are the same age that seem to act and think so old! They're talking about retirement plans and IRA's and fixed loans and stuff, and I'm just like, "yeah, I saw a cool movie, I'm gonna go play guitar now."
Either I'm just incredibly immature, or I just don't get it. They all seem so miserable. Hating their life, hating their job, never having any time to do fun things because they're working and saving all the time. It's like watching a hive of bees buzzing around inching towards their deaths, but they're so busy pressing their noses into grindstones they don't see The Reaper gradually starting to notice them. I just feel like life is too short to kill yourself working and worrying over every little thing. I know I have a screwed up view of the world because I even resent body maintainence. No I'm not a dirty stinking bastard who never brushes his teeth. But somedays I think about how much time I have to spend eating, showering, brushing teeth, making food, taking a dump, etc. And I think, "damn I have to waste a lot of time taking care of this flesh shell!"
Now I look in the mirror and I don't think I look my age, and people tell me I look pretty young, and I guess that's a good thing, but I suppose I never realized how immature I am. I don't have a checking account, I don't have credit cards, I just don't care. Everyone else says it's so important but I just don't get it. I pay for things in cash. If I don't have the cash I don't get it.
I'm scared I'm gonna wake up 60 and realize there was a lot of stuff I was supposed to do that I didn't do, but at the same time I don't even know what I should be doing or why it's important?
I see people go all through school never having fun, then they go through 4-8 years of college not having fun, then they get out in the world and they're working, working, working, and they're just miserable people. And then from what I've seen at some point they snap and realize they missed out on a lot and have affairs or do silly things that wreck their life anyway.
I just don't get this whole "Life" thing I guess. I know there's more to life then having fun, I'm not saying that. I'm not a 24 hour party guy by any means. But the things I study, music, instruments, history, sociology, religions, systems of governments. All that studying takes up pretty much all my time anyway.
I guess I'm not sure what the point of all this is, I've just been thinking on it lately about how what seems to be so important to everyone else I couldn't give a rats a** about. I just want to live and learn and grow, not stifle myself into a system that seems to me to be nothing more then oppression.
I keep thinking human beings were not supposed to be living like this, but then again I'm not sure how were supposed to be living. Shouldn't we be evolving as a species? We've kind of been spinning our wheels for awhile now. Sure our technology gets better all the time, but the people don't seem to. We're always 2 seconds away from, "Burn the Witch!" type behavior.
I've been reading a book by Konrad Lorenz and he talks about how in humanity aggression is instinctual and we haven't evolved enough yet to to have any inhibiting mechanisms to curb our aggression and ensure the survival of the species. And that because of this man is the most dangerous animal.
anyway it got me thinking so I thought I'd share some of my psychosis.
Jesus Fucking Christ... I'm 16 but I've experienced so much traumatic bullshit etc.
ReplyDeleteYOU, SIR, SEEM LIKE A DUDE I KNOW AND WANT TO!
...so far I only really identify with my brother... but I don't get to Guitar geek out with him :(
"There is one thing we should have learned, you know its that our brains have always outraced our hearts, our science charges ahead, our souls lag behind, lets start anew"
That's from Battlestar Galactica... a fantastic TV series. Legendary.
I learnt a lot from how many writers have molded the Alien universe. Giger has been quoted as "showing the anabolism and catabolism of our realities". It seems the Alien, over the years, has become a very odd metaphor for humanities eugenics practices and the motivation for procreation as well as virtual immortality perversely driving us to horrific ends.
Lorenz is correct. But man evolved a consciousness that allows higher brain activity. Why? Because of all the things to evolve man is the most ill-equipped. We evolved to be thinkers. It is our only means of survival. However, we blindly follow instincts that were made to drive our actions away from immediate danger. Nature had never considered precognition before our existence and so we are chained by the mistakes of the past. Our only way forward seems to evolve mentally and become a nation of wise folk. Yet truly, we simply need to survive as each one of us can as a singular within their own tribe. Just as we were at our birth.