Oh Guitar Catalogs,...you tease me but make me laugh

I like reading guitar magazines and catalogs, especially the catalogs. Delivered free to my mail to make me drool and pine for new guitars. And I've found the best place to keep these catalogs is in the bathroom. Nothing like sitting on the john flipping through some guitar porn.

But I find myself laughing at the oddest times while reading it! For your amusement I've collected some of the things I've seen in the catalog that made me laugh.

So I'll list some of the things that made me chuckle and maybe you'll chuckle too.


"The maple fingerboard and jumbo frets are very finger-friendly"
(that's good, I hate it when guitars try and bite my fingers off. If it's safe for fingers I bet kids and little pets are safe too!)

"Nitro finish lets the Alder breathe and age gracefully."
(nothing's as ugly as Alder that hasn't aged gracefully. A glass of scotch in one hand, cigarette hanging out it's mouth, talking 'bout what 'might have been.' It's just ugly.)

"Thin nitrocellulose lacquer lets all that tone shine through."
(Ha ha h-....wait....what??)

"The distressed finish and hardware create the look of an axe that's weathered lots of gigs yet performs flawlessy."
(the 'yet performs flawlessy' cracks me up for some reason. This is like telling people if you gig with your axe it's going to get beat to sh*t, but if you're really lucky, it'll still actually work.)

"The thicker bridge block increases sustain with a more stable point of contact with strings."
(the hell? More stable contact? What does that even mean?)

"The synchronous twin-pivot tremolo give you authentic whammy bar action."
(Authentic whammy bar action. What exactly would "un-authentic" sound like?"

"The tremolo bridge arms you for wild note bending fun!"
(I can't decide if I want to be armed, or authentic. Armed sounds so manly.)

"Go Wylde without going broke!"
(Hmm, I think there's a slight dig there about Gibson prices.)

"The Goth Les Paul Oozes dark vibes!"
(Can I order the one that doesn't have the oozing problem? That gets messy.)

"Armed with 2 Alnico Classic humbuckers for spellbinding riffs and solos."
(Damn now I'm armed and I'm casting spells. This is clearly a guitar of magical properties.)

"mini-humbuckers deliver bright and focused output without the buzz."
(Since when do humbuckers ever buzz? Strings yes, humbuckers? I think no.)

"Alnico II magnet humbuckers go from rich, sweet lightning to warm, tingling waves of sustain."
(I'm armed, I'm casting spells, I'm shooting lightning out of my guitar and attacking the ladies with "tingling waves of sustain." I. Am. Awesome!)

"reveals the splender of the certified environmentally sound curved swamp ash top and body."
(Damn tree's have to be certified to be environmentally sound? It's tough being a tree these days.)

"Offers distinct looks."
(Really? Cuz I'm looking at like 20 guitars on this page that look just like it!)

"Add $520."
(For any color other then worn red or brown? So you're showing me 7 guitars listed as $799. each but in reality they're actually $1,320. for the guitars you're showing me that aren't faded brown or red. So making the Studio guitar white or black seriously costs another $520.?? Are you out of your (*&^%$#%& Minds!!?!?!?)

"A gigging musicians Les Paul" (for $1,900.)"
(No gigging musician I know could afford that, and if they could they sure wouldn't be gigging with it.)